Friday, June 22, 2012

The Dark Days {My Battle Part 1}

{image via pinterest}

It was sometime in the middle of February that it hit me. Like a ton of bricks crashing down on my inner peace.  It was the bane of postpartum depression.

My little angel girl was born at the end of November, shortly after my younger sister got married and my sweet mother underwent a major thoracotomy (lung surgery).  And though the first few months of juggling two rowdy boys and a brand new infant were trying, life was peaceful and exciting.

In December we moved to a new state and into a beautiful, antique, renovated farmhouse cottage.  Christmas came and we gathered our little ones around our tree in love and joy.

In January my sweetheart began his second to last affiliation in a city about 45 minutes from our house, and simultaneously threw himself into intensive study for his boards of physical therapy which we would be taking in March.  We began desperately searching for a job, knowing that he would graduate in May and we would need some way to provide for our growing family.  I tried to deal with these circumstances the best I knew how, but one day, I finally just snapped.

It was too much stress, too much pressure, too many new changes and worries.  I tried to ignore the feelings of depression I was having.  I tried to shrug them off and be happy anyway.  I tried to be the best mother I could be, and a support to my husband.  I tried to perform my regular duties with a positive attitude.  But nothing was working.  I didn't want anyone to know I was struggling, for fear they would think I was a failure, or that I wasn't strong enough to handle three children.

Life came and went for the next several months.  Stresses intensified when my husband felt like he had failed his boards and we anticipated the awful waiting until July for the next licensure exam, wondering how we would ever support our family when our loan money ran out in May.  But things resolved themselves, as they often do.  The Lord gave us tender mercy after tender mercy.  My sweetheart miraculously passed his boards, he was given a promising job, and things began to turn brighter--externally.  But internally I was still battling an immense amount of sadness that I couldn't explain.

What was I to do?  Where was I to turn?  I felt like I had fallen in a deep, dark hole that I couldn't climb out of, no matter how hard I tried.  Would I ever be free?  Would I ever feel like my normal, enthusiastic, in love with life, happy self?

{And for fear that this post is getting too long, I will finish my story in tomorrow's post....}


  1. Your photo perfectly captures the feeling of your post. You yourself gave the key - "The Lord gave us tender mercy after tender mercy." I'm currently helping my daughter and praying God's mercy will see her through as her husband has been hospitalized 3 weeks, her baby just turned one and she is 8 months pregnant. Thanks for being so real in your post.

    1. Thank you Lisa for your sweet comment. I will pray for your daughter and her family. I know the Lord will shower down tender mercies upon them. Tomorrow I will post my happy ending. I hope to hear your daughter's happy ending as well soon. :) Thank you again.

  2. Thank you Aurie, I love your name! Yes, grace is what pulled me through each day. It is the only way I survived! He is so good, isn't He? Thank you for visiting. I hope you come again. Feel free to subscribe or follow me. I will visit your blog as well. :)

  3. Thanks for sharing your struggles and I am happy that things are going better. I will look forward to the rest of the story. You have been through a lot of hard changes. It probably is a grieving process that you need to work through. I am sure that the Savior is walking beside you and providing the tendar mercies. I know you will feel the comfort and peace that you desire.

  4. I liked your title "My battle" and it reminds me that each of us are enlisted in "the battle" and as we learn in Mosiah 10:10, we must "go up in the strength of the Lord to battle" each day. I also love a quote by Sister Hinckley. "Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." She also said, "Each of us can ask ourselves each morning, 'What can I do to make life happier for someone today?" Thanks for making my life happier! Love you! mom



Related Posts with Thumbnails